I Have Something To Tell You...
Okay, so here it comes.. Ready? Are you sure? "If you're sure," I say in my sing-song voice...
"Just remember, you asked me! Don't blame me if you don't like what you hear!"
I.. have.. a.. 'sick folder'!
"What'sat?" I hear you ask.
I say again, "I have a sick folder!"
"What'sat mean?" You ask me.
It means.. I have a 'sick folder' buried deep inside of me, and the only time it comes creeping out, showing its sickening little smile, and sickening little thoughts, is when I'm writing!!!
"Ewww!" I hear you saying.
"Agree. Totally. And please don't shoot the messenger!"
Here's what I mean, what I want you to know...
A few days ago, I finished the ending to Chapter 6 of my debut novel!
"Yay!" I hear you cheer.
"Agree!"
Well, I think I tweeted about writing the end of Chapter 6, and I know I sent a text to a close writer friend about it, seeking out his wisdom on the subject, and I'll tell you why. I felt sick.
You see, Chapter 6 came to a disturbing conclusion! And while I wrote it, I felt completely sick to my stomach. I actually felt like meeting Mr. TidyBowl face-to-face, so to speak! But, I held it in. I was brave, and strong about it, and swallowed the bile back down.. hard! That is to say, "I kept my lunch, if indeed I remembered to eat that day, where it was supposed to stay, in my tummy. But, I thought for a close second, that whatever, be it lunch, or something else, in my stomach, was not going to stay in my tum-tum tucked where it belonged, humming along through my perforated digestive tract, snaking its way through the miles of tubing to have a meeting with my morning constitution! What? Too much information? Lol. As if YOU don't have a daily constitution! Whatever. It's a part of this process we call life, people! Grow up!
Anyway, I kept my lunch where it belonged. And I say, "Yay for me! Woohooo!"
I shared the ending of Chapter 6 that I wrote with someone close to me. I didn't read it verbatim to that person, but only gave the idea of what I wrote, and that person is still disgusted by my words. They were truly grossed out, and wanted to meet their own Mr. TidyBowl! I guess my words, what I wrote, truly was disturbing! "MmmmHmmmHmm, " I hum, my eyes rolling up, and trying to look innocent.
I make light of the situation, but the reality of it was much harsher. I made myself sick to my stomach. Myself! Me! I WROTE it, and I got sick to MY stomach! What does that mean? What does that say about me? I don't really know how to answer those questions. But, here are the really bad things about the situation: 1..I had trouble rereading it when I needed to add or change something in there, and, 2..I still get sick to my stomach when I have to reread it, and, 3..I had to stop writing for two days because of it!
I couldn't process it. Knowing that those words came out of me, from somewhere deep inside, I couldn't process that I wrote it! So, I started thinking about that. I asked myself these questions! I asked myself, what does that say about me? What kind of person would write that stuff? Am I a terrible human being for putting those words on paper, and wanting people to read what I wrote? What will you think of me, dear reader, when you do? Worry, worry, worry. That's what I did for two solid days!
I told you that I sent a text to a close friend about it, he, being a writer, and whose book I've read, and the subject matter, was difficult to read, so I knew he had to have dealt with much the same issues. He did. And he gave me his advice, and I took it to heart and digested it, but.. I still worried over it, because it's my story. So what if I realized I have a 'sick folder' deep within me that only rears its ugly head when I'm writing. So what if all these gory, disgusting, creepy, demented things come out of me when I write? Big deal! Don't we all have one of those? A 'sick folder' inside of each one of us? Maybe. But then again, maybe not. I really don't know if most people do, I only know that I do, and that's what really disturbed me, and made me sick to my stomach!
So, having this knowledge about myself, I took two days off from writing. Actually, the truth was, the heart of the matter was, I was avoiding writing. While I was wallowing in that beautiful knowledge about myself, I read Stephen King's short story compilation titled, "Full Dark, No Stars." I always go to King when I'm up against a wall. Don't know why, he's just comforting to me. I like the lilt and pentameter of his voice, his writing style. I like the twisted way he brings the truth to life. I like the way he makes me feel creepy and icky, and helps me forget about my own issues for a while. King just... makes me feel good about being me!
Anyway, towards the end of his book, he included an Afterword. And, I normally don't like being interrupted during the text of a book, but I read it anyway, cause I'm not the kind of reader who can skip over anything in a book. I read ALL of it! Even if I don't like it, I'll finish it because I figure, maybe there's something I can learn from this book I've chosen. That's not to say I didn't like his book. I loved it! Though it was too quick of a read for me, would be my only complaint about it, but then his books usually are, but I read the Afterword, and you know what? It spoke to me! I needed to be reading that book when I read it. I was meant to read that book when I did! Remember my motto, "Everything happens for a reason?" I didn't tell you about that one? No? Well, maybe another time. For now, it's enough to know that it was meant to be! His Afterword talked about how reading his stories can be harsh, and that they're harsh for him to write too! He talks about how he has respect for the truth, even if the truth is ugly. How the story needs to be told, no matter how ugly it is. Things along those lines.
I realized (after I was finished being stunned, because I thought he was speaking directly to me; like he was saying, "Pattyann, you have to write the truth the way you write the truth, because to do otherwise would be cheating!") that S.K., one of the masters of horror, has a 'sick folder' deep inside of him too! That made me feel really okay about what I wrote, and I decided to keep the text in my book! Period. No longer am I afraid of what anyone thinks about what I wrote, it's the truth of the book. It's MY truth of MY book, and if the story unfolded the way it did there in the end of Chapter 6, then that's what needed to be in the story! I make no excuses for what I wrote. It needs to be in there because its part of the story that needs to be told! It's a part of the story that I need to tell! And how about today? Well, the truth is, I feel so much better about rereading it, and making necessary changes, and mostly, I feel really good about moving on to Chapter 7!
So I want to say, "Thank you," to my friends who gave me good advice, and to you, my dear readers for taking the time to read my thoughts, and to Stephen King for including that Afterword, because, now I know that my 'sick folder' is a good thing! And in the case of writing horror, it's a necessary good thing! And so, I'm off to go and write some more of Chapter 7, and, I have to wonder, and I'm anxious to see, what will come out of my 'sick folder' next? In the meantime, I want you to know, I can't help the things I do, and the way I am. I'm Just Me...
"Just remember, you asked me! Don't blame me if you don't like what you hear!"
I.. have.. a.. 'sick folder'!
"What'sat?" I hear you ask.
I say again, "I have a sick folder!"
"What'sat mean?" You ask me.
It means.. I have a 'sick folder' buried deep inside of me, and the only time it comes creeping out, showing its sickening little smile, and sickening little thoughts, is when I'm writing!!!
"Ewww!" I hear you saying.
"Agree. Totally. And please don't shoot the messenger!"
Here's what I mean, what I want you to know...
A few days ago, I finished the ending to Chapter 6 of my debut novel!
"Yay!" I hear you cheer.
"Agree!"
Well, I think I tweeted about writing the end of Chapter 6, and I know I sent a text to a close writer friend about it, seeking out his wisdom on the subject, and I'll tell you why. I felt sick.
You see, Chapter 6 came to a disturbing conclusion! And while I wrote it, I felt completely sick to my stomach. I actually felt like meeting Mr. TidyBowl face-to-face, so to speak! But, I held it in. I was brave, and strong about it, and swallowed the bile back down.. hard! That is to say, "I kept my lunch, if indeed I remembered to eat that day, where it was supposed to stay, in my tummy. But, I thought for a close second, that whatever, be it lunch, or something else, in my stomach, was not going to stay in my tum-tum tucked where it belonged, humming along through my perforated digestive tract, snaking its way through the miles of tubing to have a meeting with my morning constitution! What? Too much information? Lol. As if YOU don't have a daily constitution! Whatever. It's a part of this process we call life, people! Grow up!
Anyway, I kept my lunch where it belonged. And I say, "Yay for me! Woohooo!"
I shared the ending of Chapter 6 that I wrote with someone close to me. I didn't read it verbatim to that person, but only gave the idea of what I wrote, and that person is still disgusted by my words. They were truly grossed out, and wanted to meet their own Mr. TidyBowl! I guess my words, what I wrote, truly was disturbing! "MmmmHmmmHmm, " I hum, my eyes rolling up, and trying to look innocent.
I make light of the situation, but the reality of it was much harsher. I made myself sick to my stomach. Myself! Me! I WROTE it, and I got sick to MY stomach! What does that mean? What does that say about me? I don't really know how to answer those questions. But, here are the really bad things about the situation: 1..I had trouble rereading it when I needed to add or change something in there, and, 2..I still get sick to my stomach when I have to reread it, and, 3..I had to stop writing for two days because of it!
I couldn't process it. Knowing that those words came out of me, from somewhere deep inside, I couldn't process that I wrote it! So, I started thinking about that. I asked myself these questions! I asked myself, what does that say about me? What kind of person would write that stuff? Am I a terrible human being for putting those words on paper, and wanting people to read what I wrote? What will you think of me, dear reader, when you do? Worry, worry, worry. That's what I did for two solid days!
I told you that I sent a text to a close friend about it, he, being a writer, and whose book I've read, and the subject matter, was difficult to read, so I knew he had to have dealt with much the same issues. He did. And he gave me his advice, and I took it to heart and digested it, but.. I still worried over it, because it's my story. So what if I realized I have a 'sick folder' deep within me that only rears its ugly head when I'm writing. So what if all these gory, disgusting, creepy, demented things come out of me when I write? Big deal! Don't we all have one of those? A 'sick folder' inside of each one of us? Maybe. But then again, maybe not. I really don't know if most people do, I only know that I do, and that's what really disturbed me, and made me sick to my stomach!
So, having this knowledge about myself, I took two days off from writing. Actually, the truth was, the heart of the matter was, I was avoiding writing. While I was wallowing in that beautiful knowledge about myself, I read Stephen King's short story compilation titled, "Full Dark, No Stars." I always go to King when I'm up against a wall. Don't know why, he's just comforting to me. I like the lilt and pentameter of his voice, his writing style. I like the twisted way he brings the truth to life. I like the way he makes me feel creepy and icky, and helps me forget about my own issues for a while. King just... makes me feel good about being me!
Anyway, towards the end of his book, he included an Afterword. And, I normally don't like being interrupted during the text of a book, but I read it anyway, cause I'm not the kind of reader who can skip over anything in a book. I read ALL of it! Even if I don't like it, I'll finish it because I figure, maybe there's something I can learn from this book I've chosen. That's not to say I didn't like his book. I loved it! Though it was too quick of a read for me, would be my only complaint about it, but then his books usually are, but I read the Afterword, and you know what? It spoke to me! I needed to be reading that book when I read it. I was meant to read that book when I did! Remember my motto, "Everything happens for a reason?" I didn't tell you about that one? No? Well, maybe another time. For now, it's enough to know that it was meant to be! His Afterword talked about how reading his stories can be harsh, and that they're harsh for him to write too! He talks about how he has respect for the truth, even if the truth is ugly. How the story needs to be told, no matter how ugly it is. Things along those lines.
I realized (after I was finished being stunned, because I thought he was speaking directly to me; like he was saying, "Pattyann, you have to write the truth the way you write the truth, because to do otherwise would be cheating!") that S.K., one of the masters of horror, has a 'sick folder' deep inside of him too! That made me feel really okay about what I wrote, and I decided to keep the text in my book! Period. No longer am I afraid of what anyone thinks about what I wrote, it's the truth of the book. It's MY truth of MY book, and if the story unfolded the way it did there in the end of Chapter 6, then that's what needed to be in the story! I make no excuses for what I wrote. It needs to be in there because its part of the story that needs to be told! It's a part of the story that I need to tell! And how about today? Well, the truth is, I feel so much better about rereading it, and making necessary changes, and mostly, I feel really good about moving on to Chapter 7!
So I want to say, "Thank you," to my friends who gave me good advice, and to you, my dear readers for taking the time to read my thoughts, and to Stephen King for including that Afterword, because, now I know that my 'sick folder' is a good thing! And in the case of writing horror, it's a necessary good thing! And so, I'm off to go and write some more of Chapter 7, and, I have to wonder, and I'm anxious to see, what will come out of my 'sick folder' next? In the meantime, I want you to know, I can't help the things I do, and the way I am. I'm Just Me...
just keep writing... everyone has a "folder" some sick some weird. I guess it just depends on the person. I say as long as your not hurting anyone or turning your sick folder into something in your real life then write away. in the end it is just a story and people with the same sick folder just make love it..
ReplyDeleteAwww. thanks so much for leaving your comment! I really do appreciate it! No worries about me bringing that 'sick folder' into my real world, I'm really a softie at heart! And, I suppose it's true that nearly everyone has some kind of a folder inside of them, but I was shocked to find out what my 'sick folder' contained! However, I'm going to keep on writing what I write, because in the end, it's my truth of the story, and not everyone in there can be a Protagonist, there has to be some Antagonists hiding in there too! And, this debut novel of mine has many!!! : )
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